finding my head space, and a little elbow room

My body is tired and sore. No I didn't race this week, I didn't even ride a bike until today... but I put some serious kilometers and elevation behind me, and the best part is that it was all on foot! Some of my earliest memories, both good and bad, involve trucking down a trail in the woods. You see, in my parents previous lifetimes were both climbing bums... my dad has first accents in the Himalayas to his name, and for a while my mom was an Outward Bound instructor. And in order to insure they were able to continue pursuing their shared passion for getting lost in the woods once they settled down and started a family, growing up I more than once got to dress up in a swimsuit and raincoat with plastic bags around my feet and hike through rainstorms. Memories like that, as well as arguably brighter ones like standing on top of Mt. Rainier, climbing Prussic Peak,  summiting Mt. Hood, sweating up Asgard Pass with Allen and our 70lb packs and breaking ice still incapsulating alpine lakes to go swimming, vividly stick with me, and are some of my most cherished. Those trips instilled a deep passion for hiking and backpacking in me... one that is arguably stronger than my passion on the bike. There is just nothing as humbling and fundamental to me as finding myself alone and surrounded by peaks as old and imposing as time itself.

And after the World Cup in La Bresse, thats exactly what I needed... an escape! Its not that things didn't go well in La Bresse, they actually went quite well. I was 36th again, just like in Houffalize, this time just behind Sam and JB. I did exactly what I think I needed to in order to keep myself in the Olympic conversation. Now its just up to the selection committee... and I have no control over that. But by this point in the season, I have been training for six months, racing for three, and I was in need of a break mentally more than anything.
So where better to go than the Matterhorn... the town of Zermatt. I wanted to do some iconic swiss touristing... And thats exactly what I got. I went with the intention of getting away from my bike, and just finding a place to relax mentally; to hike in the presence of mountains that would take my breath away. I wanted to do something different with my body and go places my bike couldn't take me. And I found some of that... for sure... but I also found myself surrounded by Asian tourists having snowball fights, hiking for 4 hrs and then having trucks drive past or gondolas soar over my head, and in the presence of excess everywhere. I took the cog rail up the Gornergant, and sunburnt my forehead... I hiked along the mountain paths under the radiant sun and Matterhorn... I took tons of photos and I ate 25CHF pizza and 8CHF ice cream.

It's not to say that I didn't enjoy myself... I did completely, and I am so glad I went, because ultimately I've come home ready to start training again. It just wasn't exactly what I expected... I'm in a much better place mentally, than I was just a week ago... I'm no longer tired and a little bored. But Zermatt and the Matterhorn experience just wasn't as powerful as I had hoped it might be. It lacked some sort of authenticity amongst the throngs of people and video cameras. I don't have words to describe the beauty of those mountains, and on Friday when I was really able to get good and away, ditching the trail and wondering up a glacial moraine below the Matterhorn, I was totally spellbound. And then as I approached town on my way home, I again left the trail and found my own little beach in the sun along the river where I was able to swim, eat chocolate and read my book... after all, my mother would be totally disappointed to find out I didn't jump into freezing water when the opportunity presented itself. In the end, I think I like the solitude of the North Cascades a little better :)

From Czech with... well disappointment

I am a little confused about this weekend. I had amazing legs. I know the fitness is absolutely there. But I don’t know if everyone else it just more fit, or my inability to establish a rhythm was the problem. That’s what I feel like the issue was... After an amazing start where I launched myself up into the top 20, I just know I have what it takes to have an amazing race, but I feel like the circumstances, i.e. dealing with traffic, high-speed road sections, having to get on and of the bike, just threw off any sort of rhythm I would have otherwise hoped to establish. I feel like if I had been able to just settle in and have my race, things could have gone completely differently. I always felt like I was racing at someone else’s tempo, slower on the climbs than I would have liked, faster on the descents that I was able to go. And it meant I was constantly at the back of groups, missing moves that were able to move forward and bridge to groups further up. I guess that’s something to chock up into the memory and utilize in the future. I need to stay at the front of these groups instead of being content at the back hoping I get dragged along going forward. the more I can learn the better equipped I will be next time around.

For certain the elites are faster than the U23’s… but I remembered this race playing out with lots of 2-3 person groups separated by 10-15 seconds, a hard race for sure, but one where I was able to race my race… not someone else’s. And that just certainly wasn’t the case this year. I felt like I was always in a group with 8-10 people until the last lap and a half when things finally started to blow up. I think part of that was conditions too, people stuck together because there was a fairly long high-speed road section where it was important to be in a group with the wind. But with just one or two people you work together, in a group of ten people just sit and then attack once the road is over. I have never been very good at that type of racing. I like to be able to dictate my own pace and just go. I can leave it all out there that way. So although certainly there were moments when I was 110% out there, I feel like I averaged maybe 90%. And that’s not good enough to have a good world cup result. It takes 100% the whole time.

Going downhill like a small child doesn’t help either. And I don’t really know what that was about. I stayed off the brakes as much as possible, took the lines that the guys faster than me were taking, but alas I just couldn’t ever find my ability to shred. I guess I just need to think about how to race at other peoples pace better. I think that takes a lot of mental energy, but its there, I just need to tap into that.

I crossed the finish line feeling completely unsatisfied. There were bright spots (awesome start and legs), but it was mostly a race that was full of lack-luster moments. I’m ultimately pretty disappointed because last year I had such a stellar race here. But I feel more focused right now that I did going into the weekend… and my eyes are more fixed on the Olympics than ever. I’d like to believe that if I can put together a stellar race in France, I solidify my potential as an Olympic candidate, which is ultimately what I am after and all I can extend my control over… from there its just up to selection committee. I think Sam locked it up this weekend, and Todd finally showed his cards too, but I don’t think it was any more impressive than my result in Houffalize. I’m ready to learn from this and see what I can do before this big spring campaign is over this coming weekend in La Bresse. I think it would be a little tough to be motivated if it weren’t for the fact that it’s a World Cup and I have incredible fitness right now! I’ve just gotta keep thinking about that. Maybe this is the swift kick in the ass I need for this coming weekend. It’ll sure help me keep my eyes on the prize for one more week!

It is NOT a lonely road to the top

I knew going into this season abroad that at some point the novelty of being in europe full time would wear off. And I knew that I would have to wrestle internally with my justifications for being over here, living a very simple life... day in and day out; sleeping, eating, training and racing. Living in a foreign country, not speaking the language, far away from my friends and family. I didn't know how I would react to it. I knew it had the potential to take what has been a very very good thing, and turn it inside out, opening the door for me to resent my decisions to be over here because they aren't always comfortable, they aren't the same decisions I see my friends making, and they have pulled me physically very far from those closest to me. They have been decisions that haven't necessarily been immediately gratifying, and present challenges I could not have foreseen.

Monterey Bay Aquarium is incredible

That time came as I was sitting in the San Francisco Airport preparing to fly back to Zurich, having just said goodbye to my parents and friends after an incredibly enjoyable week in Monterey at Sea Otter. I had thought it would be a trip that renewed my energy, and gave me a new focus once I got back in europe, but it did exactly the opposite. I found myself suddenly missing all the comfort, laughing and conversation that comes with being around people you care about, have history with... and who share your language. The silence was deafening once I got back into my quiet little apartment in Fully, this shortly after I found out I wouldn't be racing in Heubach that coming weekend in order to focus on recovery and the upcoming world cups... my birthday weekend none the less. I would be sitting quietly in my lonely apartment on my birthday... and at the time that was totally devastating. I went from on top of the world (sans a miserable performance at the Sea Otter) to really really low over the course of a plane flight and train ride. What I came back to wasn't comfortable, it wasn't emotionally secure and to be completely honest, a little boring... which means I had plenty of time to sulk and feel miserable about my "loneliness".  Also it was raining.

As I told a close friend today though, I have a visceral distain for feeling depressed, and generally I am pretty good about channeling my inner Mitch Hoke; that is the ability to view the people and situations I find myself in under very positive light, and not stress over shit that doesn't really matter. 

Some nice views along the roads here in Valais

After a couple well timed emails, Facebook messages, and Skype sessions with those closest to me, I realized how much my life was anything but lonely. A lack of proximity means nothing. Someone once told me that its a lonely road to the top... and I would argue that's impossible, because it takes the support, love and care of so many for any one person to rise to the top. If it were lonely we wouldn't have the Olympics because only the insane would be able to cope with the hours of training, isolation, travel and emotional toll of competition without a vast, supportive and close network of friends and family. Something I am incredibly blessed to have. And I had lost sight of that for those few days. But you all reminded me that I am indeed not alone over here in Switzerland... not at all! Thank you for that! 

So I found myself on my birthday morning smiling while riding my mountain bike in the sun, surrounded by the Alps, and in afternoon I made my way to Sion to watch the Tour de Romandie finish. I spent hours talking with people at the BMC tent, both fans and the marketing people. I turned acquaintances into friendships, and started new ones as David escorted me through the VIP tent introducing me to people who I look forward to seeing again. I came home exhausted, but committed to making something tasty for dinner (I'd already had a birthday dinner of sorts with Mitch and my parents in Monterey), before retiring to my book and some chocolate. I doubt I will ever forget what exactly I did on my 23rd birthday, it made a big impression. 

Birthday Ahi

In some ways it signified a new chapter turned for me. I've greatly expanded the depth and breadth of my relationships here in just a few days (feels like it took long enough); People to train with, people to go out for coffee with and even though Mon francias est miserable... its getting better :) I'm confident in my abilities, and I have reexamined my motives, both rationally and emotionally. Those are two hard things to separate sometimes... and I have a much better grasp on why I am over here, now that the novelty has worn off!

Feeling the Olympics

A lot of times you hear athletes say “yeah I’ve always been working toward becoming an Olympian” or “It was a childhood dream to do win this race”. And perhaps it was, but I think a lot of people on the outside see it as this linear path from childhood dream to Olympian or Tour Champion, ect. I think this journey has a lot of different manifestations, each unique to the athlete, but I have to believe for everyone it’s anything but linear.

I’m sure I dreamed about being an Olympian when I was a kid, but I probably was pretending I was winning a swimming event, or the Marathon or gymnastics in my backyard; I know I never was envisioning myself as an Olympic cyclist, I didn’t even consider it. And none of that was tangible; I couldn’t touch and feel it; it was just part of being a kid. As I have developed in this sport, my coach Jason and I have always talked about building for the next level of racing… First it was State Championships when I was 14, then Nationals when I was 18, then the domestic pro ranks, next racing U23 in Europe, then racing U23 World Cups, now its Elite World Cups… and suddenly the Olympics too! But a common theme for me has been that none of it has ever felt incredibly grandiose, its just seemed like the next logical step. I couldn’t seriously think about racing Elite World Cups when I was just getting ready to start racing as a domestic pro. Sure its something I could talk about, but wasn’t something I could even really conceive or understand when I was struggling to place in the top 40. I just didn’t know what that meant. Its really kinda hard to put this all in words, but I guess what its coming down to is that in December when I was named to the Olympic Long Team I felt like “wow that’s cool, what an honor to be included in this list! The Olympics are the pinnacle of sport!" But I didn’t know what it meant; I couldn’t feel it or really draw much motivation from it.

All of a sudden now I find myself in the midst of what is a legitimately an Olympic bid… I was the second American in South Africa, and the top American in Houffalize, Belgium last week at the second World Cup. At one point part of the way through the race last weekend, I suddenly felt the magnitude of this whole Olympics thing. By this point I was the top American on course, and moving forward, and I started thinking a little about how if I kept this up it would be really stellar for my Olympic prospects. The beginning of the thought was totally analytical, but the end was completely emotional. And this all of a sudden this gave me a huge boost of motivation. There were feelings of pride, accomplishment, humility, raw excitement and passion. It was all of a sudden tangible; I could feel it and ride that excitement. Suddenly I better understood what it could mean to represent the USA as one of the best MTBer’s in the nation (the world for that matter), on an international stage…. On the premier international stage! God it was such a cool feeling!!!

There is still certainly a whole lot of racing left between now and the end of May when the Olympic committee makes their selections for the team. But I find myself in a good place knowing that I am very much going to have to be in that discussion. I can’t say what is best for the team, experience gets the older guys a long way, but youth and raw excitement plays well too… and Rio 2016 always has to be in the discussion; how does a decision potentially effect the outcome of that race? What I can say, is that I now am much more aware of the magnitude and presence of the Olympics… I know what it will mean to me. I know how I will draw motivation from it. This is stuff I didn’t know 5 months ago, and had little knowledge of even 5 days ago… I know it suddenly seems like the next logical step :)

My window is 53.8km from Chamonix

I think I do my best thinking while lying on the floor after a training ride. Today, instead of chocolate milk like I usually have after training, I got a big slice of sober pie. It’s a lot like humble pie, but it tells you less about how cool you really are, and more about what your current predicament means for the coming days, weeks, months, years and ultimately the rest of you life.

You see, I moved into my new apartment in Fully today. Which in itself maybe isn’t such a big deal. I simply packed up my bags, and drove 30 km down the Valais from the comfort of the B&B I was staying at in Miege, to the reality of my little apartment, fully furnished and last decorated probably in the 1960’s. Ok, maybe the 50’s…

Its pretty hoke’y (no particular reference to Mitchell Hoke, but he’d get a kick out of it…) And although it would be cool to be living in some big flat in downtown Geneva, big cities nor interior decorating have ever big my thing. But there are lots and lots and lots of awesome mountains very extremely close to the said apartment, and those have always been my thing. Also, Julien lives right next door… so I have a great teammate and friend, good mountains, some coffee shops, and a good grocery all nearby, which means I think I'm pretty set.

The past month hasn’t felt permanent (In fact nothing really does… my life is full of various shades of temporary right now). I’ve been unpacking and repacking, catching airplanes, and exploring new places. I have been staying in B&B’s, getting food prepared and sheets cleaned for me. But that takes me back to laying on the floor, because all of sudden this felt permanent; or the closest thing to that recently. Even in college, the most permanent anything got was a yearlong lease… And yes I know I am coming back to the states in October (jeezo) but I’m back here next year too. The reality and magnitude of moving across the pond (in this too the reality that the Atlantic is no pond…) in order to chase some dreams about riding my bike in circles is hitting me. I’ve never lived in a single apartment before… much less in a new town, in a new country… on a new continent. The silence this afternoon was deafening, even with NPR blaring from my computer, the evening traffic outside my window and whistles from kids’ soccer games happening across the street. It wasn’t a bad silence, but one that makes you think; forces you to appreciate where you are and really examine your motives.

This isn’t glamorous, this isn’t always exciting… I miss my friends and family. It would be fun to be in Bozeman skiing and partying with my friends for sure. But somehow this seems right, its scary as hell let me tell you, but it too is fun… I had a blast down in South Africa, I love traveling and I put together a solid first World Cup. Not great but good enough to put me firmly in the Olympic conversation. I’m blown away by the incredible beauty of this place every time I step out the door (or look out the window). The riding is incredible. And with time (and French lessons) I will make friends here too, they wont replace the amazing ones I have back home, but they too will make this place a sort of home… So I guess maybe this journey in itself is my motive. I think in some ways riding is just a means to do something different and unique and powerful. Because I like seeing how other people live, and experiencing new places. Because I do like riding my bike in circles. Because change isn’t so scary as people think it is. Because I am done with college; because I would always wonder what if… and because regardless of how much I learn about this place, my friends, the world, I am gonna learn a hell of a lot about myself too. And I think that’s pretty damn valuable. Because I get to sit in this park surrounded by incredible mountains on a clear blue Sunday afternoon, watching kids of all ages kick soccer balls back and fourth, rollerblade and swing. Because I get to be with parents and friends and dogs sitting in the grass and on park benches appreciating just being here in this time and place. Sounds like a pretty good piece of pie.

Laying in the African Sunshine

The more time I spend grocery shopping, training, and sitting together at meals, the more I realize how challenging, exciting, unique and insightful this phase of my life will be. I've begun the process of getting to know my new BMC teammates, but I learn a lot more form their mannerisms, actions, and laughs than I do from the words and thoughts they share... because those are usually in german or french...So far we have been having a great time down here in Pietermaritzburg, South Africa.

We've been down here about 10 days now, and its been so much more rewarding than my experience in SA last year when I blasted in and out with Troy Wells. We've gotten to ride with locals, hang out in town, check out local food and coffee, buy bananas from the roadside vendors... We've been able to lay in the afternoon sun, ride in the rain, cook together every night, rally our multivan on a safari and we raced together last saturday. And since I generally have pretty good company inside my own head, the german and french hasn't been too exhausting... I definitely can understand more of it that I can speak, so my ability to be part of the conversation is becoming easier with each day. I guess this is probably how children learn to speak huh... listen listen listen and finally it starts to click. It can be trying at times, but I guess this is kinda what I signed up for.

I think I am finally starting to relax after what has been a pretty insane month too. So much happened between coming back from Tucson and arriving here in SA; travel home, emotional stuff in Bozeman, packing up my house. So many little details needed to be addressed, and I feel like finally most of that has been taken care of. Its allowing me to lay in the grass after training, read my book, stretch and sleep well pretty much every night. A good place to be a few days before the first World Cup of the season.

The race we did last weekend was on the same track as the World Cup, and it was great for me to be able to get used to racing my big wheeled BMC... I'm hoping I got my mistakes out of the way for the trip. I had really good legs, but I was unable to escape the whole riding like a hack thing. I found myself not only on the ground due to my own hack-ness, but taking my teammate Reto out with me. It was devastating even though nothing really happened. We lost the Liam group, which would have put us near the top 10 instead of outside the top 15... but that 'what if' is/was still lingering. I think I would have been 7 places better had I not kept falling at very inopportune times, destroying my own rhythm as well as that of those around me.

I started some antibiotics last night... I feel fine today, but I think I definitely picked up a little stomach virus from the water or some unwashed fruit or something. We jumped on it though, only 6 hrs or so after I started to feel the telltale symptoms of it coming on. Hopefully tomorrow I'm back to 100%. I am definitely getting some good recovery in right now, so maybe the universe is just trying to slow me down a little bit so I can be primed for this world cup. Seem like it might be a little bit of a roundabout way to do it, but who am I to judge? I'll let you know how it goes.

Balance by default

The other day, someone told me that pursuing balance in life is hopeless, because inevitably you create stressor in this pursuit… and thus never achieve real balance. What instead we should be pursuing is passion, because in this pursuit, all the little imbalances and stressors are forgotten and by default we end up achieving balance. It’s a little backwards, but with a little objectivity its so clearly true. This totally resonates with me right now… I’m finally over in Switzerland… and my ability to succeed is going to be completely dependent on dropping the little things I have no control over, and simply pursue my passion.

I lost sight of this some over the past couple months. I had great training in Arizona, but was trying to control variables beyond my control, and I felt like I was constantly overwhelmed. And then I came back to Bozeman, and had a great 10 days spending time with friends, relaxing and got some good training in what was spring like weather. It was a chance to rest my body after a long 3 weeks in the sun, and more importantly rest my mind. Of course the weather didn’t hold, and so in 24 hrs I had to either purchase a plane ticket back to Arizona or hop into the car for an 8hr drive back to Washington for 10 days. I was a little unsure what the weather would bring back home, but two hours after chatting with Jason about the options, I found my car pointed west. It was an incredibly low stress week at home, exactly what I needed, and completely the right decision because I had some time to check most of the nagging details off my to do list; in addition to getting 9 really good days of training and resting in.

While I was there the magnitude of what I am doing with myself for the next couple of seasons really dawned on me. For some reason I was under the impression that I would be bouncing back and fourth between the US and Switzerland… spending 6-8 weeks at a time in Europe, and then returning home for needed R&R. I think receiving my plane tickets ten days before leaving for Switzerland was a kind of wake up call though… Feb 23-Oct 18. That’s 8 months right? And yes I will be back in the States, but hardly… for Sea Otter Ill fly to California, for the North American World Cups I’ll fly to the East Coast. Maybe I’ll make it back to Bozeman for a day or two before Nationals, but then I have to be back in Europe for a race the following weekend… I’m over here full time. Big Time. I’m glad I realized it before I left the country!

So last Monday when I got back into Bozeman I had less than 72 hrs to move… I packed up my house (save my bed) with Keegan’s help, and loaded it into what is now an overflowing storage unit. I said goodbye to my new roommates, and spent a great evening with some of the people closest to me… Keegan, Karina, Jamie, Micah, Fix, Mike… It turned into one of those nights that reminds me of what life is really about, and how critically important it is to be able to share our successes and our strengths; and our failures and our weaknesses with one another. Its what gives color and substance to life.

I briefly forgot all this as I was running clear across the Chicago Airport 24 hrs later. I had 50 min from landing until my flight to Zurich. I was sweating and breathing heavy as I cut to the front of the international security line, hearing my name being called over the intercom, and nearly threw a temper tantrum when TSA decided my blackbeans, stew, avocado and cilantro might be a bomb. Good thing they checked it for harmful vapors… sometime I fear for our own security because of our overzealous security. Its enough to push anyone over the edge… But I gained my composure once I climbed onto that flight.

The past few days have been incredible… I’ve gotten my new 29’er (that’s right, big wheels!) dialed in, and spent time riding in the sunshine on the trails and roads that wind through the vineyards. Its still totally glacial in the endless Alps that crown the Valais, but in Sierre its been 50 and downright agreeable. Pretty much everything I hoped it would be. I’m staying at a bed and breakfast for the week, which has been a very good setup, until we take off for South Africa on Friday. I feel like I am in limbo, unpacking bags of stuff I need this week, while simultaneously packing for this trip, and putting the things I don’t need away into another bag, to await my return and subsequent move into my Apartment in Fully. I spend all day today at a photo shoot, about an hour and a half from Valais, feebly attempting to stay warm while I wore my new down jacket in between photo sets where we wore nothing but shorts and a short sleeve jersey. You’ll all see the photos later… just keep in mind for the 3hrs we spend taking them, it was maybe 35 degrees out with just enough wind to take to take all the wind out of my sails. It felt pretty pro though :) I hope that’s the way the rest of the season feels!