Balance by default

The other day, someone told me that pursuing balance in life is hopeless, because inevitably you create stressor in this pursuit… and thus never achieve real balance. What instead we should be pursuing is passion, because in this pursuit, all the little imbalances and stressors are forgotten and by default we end up achieving balance. It’s a little backwards, but with a little objectivity its so clearly true. This totally resonates with me right now… I’m finally over in Switzerland… and my ability to succeed is going to be completely dependent on dropping the little things I have no control over, and simply pursue my passion.

I lost sight of this some over the past couple months. I had great training in Arizona, but was trying to control variables beyond my control, and I felt like I was constantly overwhelmed. And then I came back to Bozeman, and had a great 10 days spending time with friends, relaxing and got some good training in what was spring like weather. It was a chance to rest my body after a long 3 weeks in the sun, and more importantly rest my mind. Of course the weather didn’t hold, and so in 24 hrs I had to either purchase a plane ticket back to Arizona or hop into the car for an 8hr drive back to Washington for 10 days. I was a little unsure what the weather would bring back home, but two hours after chatting with Jason about the options, I found my car pointed west. It was an incredibly low stress week at home, exactly what I needed, and completely the right decision because I had some time to check most of the nagging details off my to do list; in addition to getting 9 really good days of training and resting in.

While I was there the magnitude of what I am doing with myself for the next couple of seasons really dawned on me. For some reason I was under the impression that I would be bouncing back and fourth between the US and Switzerland… spending 6-8 weeks at a time in Europe, and then returning home for needed R&R. I think receiving my plane tickets ten days before leaving for Switzerland was a kind of wake up call though… Feb 23-Oct 18. That’s 8 months right? And yes I will be back in the States, but hardly… for Sea Otter Ill fly to California, for the North American World Cups I’ll fly to the East Coast. Maybe I’ll make it back to Bozeman for a day or two before Nationals, but then I have to be back in Europe for a race the following weekend… I’m over here full time. Big Time. I’m glad I realized it before I left the country!

So last Monday when I got back into Bozeman I had less than 72 hrs to move… I packed up my house (save my bed) with Keegan’s help, and loaded it into what is now an overflowing storage unit. I said goodbye to my new roommates, and spent a great evening with some of the people closest to me… Keegan, Karina, Jamie, Micah, Fix, Mike… It turned into one of those nights that reminds me of what life is really about, and how critically important it is to be able to share our successes and our strengths; and our failures and our weaknesses with one another. Its what gives color and substance to life.

I briefly forgot all this as I was running clear across the Chicago Airport 24 hrs later. I had 50 min from landing until my flight to Zurich. I was sweating and breathing heavy as I cut to the front of the international security line, hearing my name being called over the intercom, and nearly threw a temper tantrum when TSA decided my blackbeans, stew, avocado and cilantro might be a bomb. Good thing they checked it for harmful vapors… sometime I fear for our own security because of our overzealous security. Its enough to push anyone over the edge… But I gained my composure once I climbed onto that flight.

The past few days have been incredible… I’ve gotten my new 29’er (that’s right, big wheels!) dialed in, and spent time riding in the sunshine on the trails and roads that wind through the vineyards. Its still totally glacial in the endless Alps that crown the Valais, but in Sierre its been 50 and downright agreeable. Pretty much everything I hoped it would be. I’m staying at a bed and breakfast for the week, which has been a very good setup, until we take off for South Africa on Friday. I feel like I am in limbo, unpacking bags of stuff I need this week, while simultaneously packing for this trip, and putting the things I don’t need away into another bag, to await my return and subsequent move into my Apartment in Fully. I spend all day today at a photo shoot, about an hour and a half from Valais, feebly attempting to stay warm while I wore my new down jacket in between photo sets where we wore nothing but shorts and a short sleeve jersey. You’ll all see the photos later… just keep in mind for the 3hrs we spend taking them, it was maybe 35 degrees out with just enough wind to take to take all the wind out of my sails. It felt pretty pro though :) I hope that’s the way the rest of the season feels!

going big

Going big on a Friday night in Tucson, Arizona! I just finished up watching 2.5 hrs of PBS (I’m fascinated by politics and world news for those of you who didn’t know), and making curry with coconut rice. I’m wearing recovery tights because my legs ache after bonking out on the MTB today. I’ve pretty much been on this couch for 4 hrs. Its 930 and past my bedtime. Tomorrow I will probably be on the bike for nearly 7 hrs, and repeat this, although the curry dinner will be leftovers because Ill be too tired to stand up in order to cook dinner. Might have the energy to mince some fresh cilantro. Glamorous.

This has more or less been my life for the past 2 weeks down here. Every day I feel more fit and more fatigued. It’s a weird sensation that only comes around this time of year. I’m on the bike 4-6 hrs pretty much every day, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. Either one is good.

Fast-forward… Its Monday morning, I woke up at 630 today and all I could think about was a couple cups of coffee and reading the newspaper. I’ve got 7 more days of hard training down here, one final big week. I’m excited for it. I’ll spend as much time on the bike this week as most people spend in office chairs working their 9-5’s… somewhere in the low to mid thirties. On Sunday I went out with Todd, Spencer, Carl, Russell and Morgan for a 6.5hr, 120 mile ride, with a long dirt section south of Tucson; the Box canyon loop. It was stellar, and after 6 hrs on the bike I was still feeling awesome. Yesterday was another big day… along ride down the coffee shop 15 min from here, with some cappuccino intervals. Then it was a little nostalgia with football night in ‘merica. My grandpa (who I am staying with down here) was a professional coach for his whole career and won the Super Bowl with the ’85 Bears. His younger brother also lives in town, as does my aunt and her family. So needless to say we had the making for a good ‘ole American football afternoon. I love watching the game, but really have nothing invested in the teams playing, nor can I get excited enough to start jumping up and down, screaming at a TV!

It’s been incredible to be down here over the past couple weeks. I feel like for the first time since September I have rhythm to my life. As I had mentioned before, last fall was a physical and emotional rollercoaster. I barely kept my head above water. Being down here with some direction, good books, time to reflect and meditate has been so incredibly healing. I’ve been blessed with what has been an outrageously rewarding and exciting 5 years in Bozeman. I cherish the memories, friends, experiences and knowledge I have gained. Its indescribable; and it will still take me a long time to realize what it really all means.

I’m opening a new chapter in my life… I’m a college graduate, and really entering my professional career. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I’m in the real world yet, because lets be serious I ride my bike for a living. I’m moving in a new direction… I don’t know if I’ll stay in Bozeman after this season. I love it there, but maybe I want to be somewhere more conducive to my cycling pursuits… Bend, Seattle, Santa Cruz… Durango maybe. On the immediate horizon I’m more or less moving to Switzerland for the season. BMC is getting an apartment set up for me in Valais, and I will be spending pretty much my whole season racing over there. It will be weird flying to Sea Otter in April… from Europe, and returning to Europe. I doubt I’ll make it back to Bozeman during that trip. Ill be speaking French… imagine that. Assuming this Rosetta Stone thing works like they say it aught to…

Going forward

So I’m on a plane again. It’s been a while since I’ve checked in… right now I am on my way from Bozeman to Tucson. Ill be spending about three weeks down there training. Then it’s back to Bozeman for a couple days and then I’m moving to Switzerland. Yep that’s right... gonna try to make it over there. But first I want to reflect a little on the last trip to Europe I had last year.

Much of my season was spent in hotel rooms. I traveled around the globe, rode to and from racing venues, ate at restaurants that had menu’s with pictures… hoping someone spoke English. I walked around towns, took some photos while riding, and occasionally sat outside an appealing café. Rarely did I know where the best coffee or food was, nor did I ever know how to find the best trails. I relied on what seems to be my vast amount of dumb luck… I was afterall traveling the world to race a bike for god’s sake. I seem to have a lot of it. So when I failed to stumble on the best trails or was forced to drink the hotel’s Nescafe… I usually just dealt with it. And binged when I stumbled upon something good… I spent the rest of my time, hanging out with my American teammates. We caught up on Facebook, watched bike racing on Eurosport, in languages foreign to our ignorant ears. I listened to NPR and read the New York Times. We napped and read books. We talked about bikes and girls and bikes. We lived in our comfortable American bubble.

This is the nature of the beast though. I get to travel the world and race my bike. It’s not glamorous, but its what I love, and have always just accepted that for now I don’t get to experience the places I visit in the traditional, often more enriching ways. I don’t see many museums or eat a the mysteriously delicious street food usually.

The tides are turning. I spent two weeks in Czech and Italy, racing with the BMC European team for the final two World Cups.

In between racing in Czech and Italy, I traveled to Julien’s hometown of Fully, Switzerland. It’s in the county of Valais, south of Lac Lemon, Geneva and Montroux. It reminds me in many ways of the Wenatchee Valley back home. Apple orchards pattern the valley floor that gives way to bare, Alpen peaks. It’s breathtaking. Fully is a small town, maybe 5,000 people… Julian’s family owns something like 20 hectares of apple orchard. As we rolled into town, we stopped and picked some fresh Gala’s, ready for harvest, off his trees. Their juice was warm in the august sun. It was a little piece of home half way around the world. We had big family barbeques in his backyard, watching the sunset and the moonrise over the alps. And we rode his favorite trails, winding through the vineyards along the Rhone and up the steep mountainsides past massive waterfalls.It was incredible. I was treated as one of their own. We ate dinners, speaking French, German, Italian and English. We shared our success and our failures, we laughed together and we trained together. We drank good coffee and had good food. We picked pears, berries, carrots and tomatoes out of Balz’s garden in Zurich while when we found ourselves locked out of his house.

I was able to do the same thing in Freiburg a couple days later… Hanging out with Markus and Felix and Moritz… making espresso in Felix’s apartment and eating bread from the bakery just across the street from his living room window. I spent time hitting a rope swing into a pond with Moritz part of the way through a ride, and finished with more espresso on his back porch. On our drive from Italy to Freiburg, over the historic little passes of the

Giro d’Italia, we passed through St. Moritz, past massive glaciers and went swimming in Switzerland at beautiful clear blue lake just off the autobahn. I keep saying ‘we’ because I was part of their lives and they were part of mine for three amazing weeks. It was like I was experiencing Europe again for the first time; in a new way with new people. Experiencing these countries as a local does… living it, immersing myself in it.

I ended that trip at Worlds in Champery, with high expectations. I finished 5^th in Czech and 7^th in Italy… I think 8^th overall in the World Cup standings. Good things could happen. Jaroslav Kulhavy crossed my front wheel 15 seconds into the team relay and I went down at 50kmh into the barriers. I broke my hand, ruined a wheel, lost a lot of skin and finished the race. Two days later I made it from 50^th after the start lap of our U23 race up to 15^th with my hand completely numb and in a splint when I again crashed and dislocated my shoulder with two laps to go. Glamorous.

I flew home hung over… airport ceilings were spinning for the 22 hours of travel home. And that’s kind of the way things have stayed until right now. This fall was the most insane three months of my life. I graduated college, taking 17 credits. I was training. I was a member of the Pan American Games team in Guadalajara. Karina and I broke up. I partied my face off. I made the Olympic Long Team. I signed a two-year contract with BMC. I feel exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster that culminated in graduation a couple weeks ago, and the reality that I am now 100% a professional cyclist. There are too many stories… all I know is that its gonna take some time for me to recover from it all. It was a blast; it was stressful, and trying. It was a lot to digest and I don’t know what it means yet.

I do know that I sit here I am a different person than I was a year ago. I’m headed back down to Tucson, and I have a different understanding of what this sport means to me. I love it more than ever… that I don’t question. But I’m approaching it differently. My emotional investment in it has changed. It’s still my escape; I live it and breathe it, but its also how I’m going to pay my rent. I’m still trying to figure out what it means to have this as my job and find a balance between going to work and going to play. More than anything I know I can do this. There isn’t any question in my mind any longer. I can be one of the best in the world. I’ve shown myself that. Sure their will be trial and error as I go along in this journey, but knowing I have the capacity changes how I invest my energy into this lifestyle. I’m excited to be living in Valais. Its going to be challenging; it won’t be like I have American teammates nearby… or doing a semester abroad with a bunch of other exchange students. I’m going to be living in my own apartment, becoming part of the place and community.

Just like I did during that final trip to Europe last summer. It’s an incredible opportunity. But first, I’ve got three weeks of sleep, eat, ride here in the desert to realign myself after what was an incredible 2011, so this year can be even better!

Czech

La vie est grande! Its 8am… I’ve been on the road for 2.5 hrs already. I’m sitting in the BMC Truck with the mechanic Sylvain listening to some Arcade Fire. The plain that Milan sits in, really isn’t glamorous at all. I think coming from America, we have this grand vision of what Milano is, probably from wafer, chocolate cookies and fashion magazines. I can tell you that it is in reality pretty unspectacular. There is a lot of corn, overhead power wires and dirty Italian industry. I’ve never been to Cleveland, but I imagine it is a lot like this.

It’s ok though… because over the past week, I have seen nothing but astonishing beauty. It turns out that the Czech Republic (formerly Czechoslovakia) is phenomenal. It’s a lot like the rest of Europe at first glance… green, and rolling countrysides, a lot of little roads, cows and small villages. But when one looks deeper, unique details appear. The country has found a weird middle ground between the generic western European atmosphere it strives for, and its recent communist background. It’s as if one tried to hurriedly paint a black wall white… you can still see what was there. Nove Mesto na Morave, the city where the World Cup took place, has all the right small houses, pastures and fountains, you would find in any city of 10,000 around Europe.

But it also has ten story housing Projects… with the wires, antenne, rusted mental and pigeon stains that are so strongly associated with the former Communist Block. The Projects have just been painted pink and yellow and sky blue, tricking the residents and visitors that things have changed. There are still old wheat and potato farmers, walking with canes through furrowed fields wearing old leather boots and woolen caps and felt hats… just as I am sure their fathers did before them, under Stalin and Kremlin Rule. These old-timers tractors are of the same vintage as the Model-T, and represent perfectly the dichotomy between new and old Czech when they are seen working the fields with their grandsons in new GPS navigated combines.

It turns out they know how to put on a bike race in Czech too… we raced at a famous Nordic area… I believe the biathalon Word Cup has recently visited Nove Mesto na Morave. There were 25,000 people out for the Men’s Elite race and maybe 10,000 for our U23 race. It was pretty spectacular. The course was riddled with roots, and folded back upon itself over and over again. It was technical enough to be fun, but not so much that it was a battle just to stay on your bike, as it usually is in Mont-Ste-Anne, Quebec. I had a blast racing. It was a brutally hard start, and I had a tough time staying inside the top 15, but by the time we can through after the start lap I was 11^th. From there I just moved up… the next few laps I gained two or three positions each time, and then going into lap 4 of 6, I was riding strongly in the race for 5^th. There were some groups along the way, but mostly I was alone or riding with just one other racer. It was a brutally hard race… not only was it fast, but the hills were steep, and we all kept it pinned to stay away from one another. With 2 laps to go, a group of 4 or 5 came within about 10 seconds of me and and ISD guy I was racing with pretty much up until then. I didn’t want to race for 9^th, so I went for it before they caught us. Got that was a hard lap. I moved into 4^th… and just kept the gas on. Sebastian, the Belgian Champion was coming though. He was putting about 5-10 second into my lead every lap. And although I managed to hold him off until the final km I messed up. Crossing a bridge with 500m to go, I dropped my concentration and rode off the bridge. I flatted. He caught me and went around after I finished a rock garden on a nearly empty tire. Shit. So I went from 4^th to 5^th… and another Belgian was charging hard. I had to negotiate some high speed gravel corners with no air in the front tire. IT made steering impossible, and I crossed over the huge flyover and down a few small drops with 300m to go still only onto 5^th by only 5 seconds. But I had one more big corner and a long finish straight to go on a flat tire. I held it together though… the Belgian caught me, and I’m sure was preparing to go around me for the sprint, but maybe I had been able to get a little rest with that flat tire and accelerated away from him… not easily, but handedly… my front tire going brap brap brap brap as I sprinted in my new Stars and Stripes Jersey toward the finish line. God that was stressful and stupid. I’m never looking over my shoulder with 1m to go again. From here on out my eyes are only looking forward. Now forward to this weekend in Val di Sole, Italy.

Prep work

Im learning what a long season really feels like. Since I last checked in, after my National Championships win, I have been through an emotional gammut. I put a lot into that race. More than I could know at the time. I've put a lot into this season... more than I knew I had. There isn't really a soft way the universe teaches these lessons. I learn on the side of the road when I'm dehydrated, hungry, my legs are sore and I can't complete an interval set. I learn this stuff when I'm racing, my legs wont turn over, and my stomach is turning into knots. I learn this stuff when my SRM says I've been on my bike for over 5 hrs, my feet hurt and there are dead bugs stuck in my helmet.I guess I started really training in the middle of January... I think the 72 hrsI took off the bike last week after my Missoula Pro XCT flop is the longest consecutive stint I have had off since then. No wonder I am sitting in this coffee shop wearing recovery tights. Your legs would be tired too. I just wish they made some recovery tights for my head. Its tired too I think.

But there is nothing to get me excited to race bikes again like a good family reunion and some good ol' house hunting. It makes me love the time I get to train and travel...

No, in all seriousness, I loved having the Ettinger Family Reunion here in Bozeman. It was an awesome excuse to sit on the porch in the evening, drink beer, eat good food and laugh. I spent some time looking at dinosaur bones here at the Museum of the Rockies, with my grandparents, aunt and uncle. Although I wasn't riding, I got to point everyone in the right directions, show them why I've chosen to spend some serious time in this town. Its pretty spectacular here when the mountains come out of their snowy fortress. We always have fun, and it was good to spend some more time hanging out with my parents. I'm excited to see them again soon, come Champery.

I was simultaneously trying to track down a place to call home for the next year. I think I've gotten it figured out now... but what a stressful few days. Knowing I need to be out of my current situation this weekend, so I can comfortably pack for the next month of European racing early next week. I got pretty OCD about it at times too, which doesn't help the situation. I stressed over irrelevant details, and almost created a mess for myself. I've checked a lot of little details off my bucket list. Stuff I hadn't gotten to because of days and months of being on the road.

Since most of the above happens via computer, I'll have had a couple solid weeks of hard hard training and good recovery before this final trip. I think, if all the moving goes smoothly this weekend, I should show up in Europe as fast as I've been all season. And its given me some time to rest mentally. To just sit on the back porch, read and recharge the batteries some. That hasn't happened in months. It feels good. I'm excited... and I think I am more ready for these World Cups than I was for the North American races in July. Last year I was cooked by this time, but right now I am fit and ready to do some serious World Cup racing. Ill keep you updated.

Oh and all these photos are from Nationals, courtesy of Daimo and Annette.

National Champion(ships)

So Wells just posted a blog about National Championships... he won his a day later than I did. Guess I am dropping the ball.

In all seriousness, I don't even know what to say. I won! I don't have much else about the race to say... I don't remember much... its a complete blur. Not only did I win, I did so convincingly. I couldn't let myself slow down, I couldn't let myself think about winning until I had done it. All I could think about until that final straightaway was pedaling, being smooth (I channelled my inner Tristian Cowie on that decent) and not winning. What would that mean? Really nothing... it wouldn't make me less of a person. But this race held so much emotional esteem for me... its hardly the most important of the season... but to win a National Championships represents so much hard work. So much frustration. So much triumph... its not something that can be felt until it happens. Until you've felt the years and the road it takes to come by one.

Maybe more than anything its the relief that comes once I crossed that finish line.

This has been the culmination of the first stages of my career. From road trips with my dad at age 15, listening to the Grateful Dead as we drove down 395 through Nevada and California, to now chasing an Olympic dream around all corners of the globe. I've worked hard... no doubt, but I absolutely wouldn't be able to do what I have done without an incredible supporting cast over the years. I will forever remember Rocky Crocker giving me my first team jersey at the Squilchucker race in Wenatchee... it was a white sleeveless Nashbar jersey with Wenatchee Area Racers silkscreened onto the front and back. I think I was 14 and I'm sure at that moment I thought it couldn't get any better. Jason Jablonski has answered hundreds of frantic phone calls over the past decade... why he always seems to be right will forever be a mystery to me. Scott Paton and everyone at Arlberg Sports has really made racing possible. Without his continued support, I have no doubt that I wouldn't be where I am today. He believed in what I was doing. Its cool to now be a role model for his son Cole... he's a super talented kid, and could find incredible success in this sport if he so chooses. It was incredible to get to watch him race this weekend in Sun Valley. I'm glad they came down. Obviously my Parents. They have always believed that what I do is valid and worth supporting, I hope I make them proud. I think I do... but not because I race well, but because I try to be honest, humble and true to myself and my pursuits. I have so many memories from traveling and racing with them.... I will always hold them close to my heart, and look forward to making more. I could go on forever about what their support means to me, but thats for another time. Marc Gullickson has given me the opportunities to race in europe, see what it means to be a professional, and how hard I have to work to be at the top of this sport. Without his guidance, there would be no National Championship for me... nor would I be finding my arguably more important successes internationally. I have so many friends who have pushed me to succeed but more importantly to love this pursuit... Mitchell, Allen, Ethan, Joey, Tad, TJ Owen, Ryan, Lydia, Jack, Kerry, Chloe, Zach... there are too many of you to name. But thank you. And now Karina too... for her emotional support when I am both home and on the road... thank you for loving the person I am.

So yeah... I put a lot of pressure on myself to win this race... I kept looking back... not just over my shoulder to see where Rob was... but into my history to see why this was the time for me to shine. To put all of that together, and honor it in the best way possible. To give it everything.

viva la france en que-boo-qua

There is something about French Canadia. Its really a pretty cool place, sweet trails everywhere, especially in and around Mont-Ste-Anne... there's moose, and blueberries too. But for some reason I just cant really warmup to Quebec. I never have been able to. Might be the trailer parks full of Frenchies who think they are better than you, as they smoke cigarettes with unborn children in their bellies... or it could be the miserable food, mostly fried Americana, with cheep caviare or Hollindaise sauce on top. Proscriutto and brie on white bread with mayo instead of a baguette. I dunno. Might be the rain, that never seems to go away, or the lack of country roads to go spin down.

I remember a couple years ago racing my very first World Cup in MSA... I got caught by the tail moto only 3 laps into a 6 lap race. It was muddy, and I was pin-balling around the course... bouncing off trees, roots rocks and euros. I'm not sure I have ever ridden a bike more poorly than that. They ended up making me pull off the side of the course at one point so Absalon could go by... I felt like a dick. Completely out of my element, and incapable of riding at that level. Fast forward a year, and I did it again... this time at U23 world's. It was hot and dry last year, but still I somehow managed to ride like an ass... I still believe I was definitely one of the most fit in that race, but I rock and rolled around, blowing through corners. Bobbling on the technical sections and running through the woods like a wounded cow. I finished 34th, completely disappointed and looking forward to some time off of my bike.

Last weekend, I did it again. The third time is not the charm. Let me start by saying I finished 5th... in a World Cup... not so bad. And my best placing ever. This was hardly my best race though. I lead things out... literally. I was at the front of the race, stringing things out up the first climb. And I lead into the woods... killing the first technical sections... charging at the front. So so so much fun!!! Wowza... but I started going backwards over the next 3 laps. I just couldn't hold it together in the mud. I did some face planting, and lost time. I stalled out over the top of root balls and lost more time. I slipped and slid down the hillside, and and bounced my way haphazardly down the descents. My saddle came loose too! I had to stop in the pit and have Daimo tighten it up... there went another 45 seconds, and a couple places. I never had an issue loosing lots of places... this course was so damn hard that it was a complete race of attrition and things blew up in big ways. No one was riding together it seemed. But that time just made 3rd, 4th and 5th places further up into the woods. I just wasn't able to crawl back into those top 4 spots. I played some leap frog with Konwa, the Milka Bar guy, and one of the Belgians. But it was just a struggle out there... I couldn't make things happen as I wanted them to. The final lap and a half was better... I seemed to pull things together a little and my head got back into it... I think having David Fletcher chasing just a few seconds back helped with the motivation to give'r some go juice. I finished the race with a wave as I crossed the line, but couldn't help thinking about what a miserable job I did of riding my bike when it counted. Or maybe I did a miserable job of not riding my bike when it counted. I think I would have been minutes faster had I just ran the techy sections I continuously flopped and struggled through. Next time I will be a little more calculating in that dept. Its not always faster to ride.

A good ride on sunday and a good long road trip with some bbq on the fourth of July, got my American spirit going again (maybe thats why I don't like french canada... Maybe I just become soft when I'm there...). A few days here in Windham have been stellar, full of rest and some time to check out a little. Its been good but its back to racing mode tomorrow.